Waking Up in A Strange Bed
by Spectra16
Summary: Sarcasm about the Pokemon BlueRed version. Second person account. Random humor. Diss Ash to hell. Giovanni rules. Peace.
1. Chapter 1

Waking Up In A Strange Bed

By Spectra16

A/N: This is a parody/satire on the Pokemon blue game. It's just to make fun of it to no end, because it's so easy.

Disclaimer: I don't own pokemon. Whoever does probably has a personal zoo, seven mansions, and the artistic license of a squirrel. I'm not jealous.

Summary: You "enter" the pokemon world (from the game boy version) and comments on everything that comes his way. (Somewhat similar to the perspectives in a Choose Your Own Adventure novel, except no sweet choices to turn to which ever page.)

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter One: Who Are You, And Why Am I Here?

. . . . Hi! I'm Professor Oak! You're going to be a Pokeman trainer whether you like it or not! I will help you in your quest to waste you life on trying to catch 150+ Pokeman, but it won't get over 150 until the creators of Pokeman decided to make children cry and add like 250 more, which should be highly interesting, but I won't go there quite yet. Oh yeah, what was you name again?

Choose:  
Red Johnny I suck n FaCtOr Ash (cuz I rip off the show)

Oh yes, now I remember! You're name is Ash (cuz I rip off the show). How ya' doin'? (No answer.) Right. This is my son. Oh, what was his name again?

Choose:  
Blue I suck Ball face Johnny Gary (cuz I rip off the show)

Oh yes, now I remember! His name is Gary! Funny how I can't even remember my grandson's name! Maybe I'm developing Alzheimer's. Wow, this sucks.

You wake up in a strange bed, in a strange home. Somewhat ripping off of Zelda and the Ocarina of Time. But we won't speak of that. You look around and quickly venture downstairs to see where the hell you are. There's a middle aged woman sitting at the table, watching a TV that appears to be off. She has the most unrealistic smile. You go to talk to her.

"Good morning Ash (cuz I rip off the show)! Oh, I guess it's that time. All boys have to leave their homes someday," She says. You seriously question her sanity, but say nothing. (You never say anything except '. . .')

You walk to the grassy area by your house because you hate your town. Once you're barely in it, an old geezer comes running after you.

"No little boy! It's dangerous! Remember me? From that strange dream-like state you were in? I was the guy who forgot his own grand son's name! Remember me?" He yelled psychotically. You nod barely. He grabs you and pulls you into his lab.

"Here! Have a free pokeman! I feel gracious today! Pay me money!" He exclaims. You look at his dwindling selection. Three friggin' pokeman. You find it strange that your stereotypical Pikachu isn't there. You pick the Charmander, because Charizard kicks ass. Somehow, it magically turns into a Pikachu. You cry, until Gary (cuz I rip off the show) shows up and claims that he can kick you pansy-cake ass. You duel.

"Yay Yugioh!" Oak squeals.

Your are totally owned by Gary (cuz I rip off the show). Life moves on. You travel on for years, getting lost in Viridian forrest. You are mercilessly attacked by weedles and caterpillars until you break down and cry once again. A nice man carries your out of the forrest, seeing that you've been stuck there for three years. You run for freedom in Viridian city. You waddle into the Pokecenter and heal your pokeman. And if your life doesn't suck now, there's some man blocking the road, and he demands his coffee. So Pikachu pees on him and you get a parcel from the store to give to Oak. You hesitantly go back to the forrest, and get lost for years. Finally, you make your way back home and give Oak his stupid frickin' parcel. He gives you a pokedex in return. The deal would've been sweeter if he had given you a plane.

You then realize that you have to go through Viridian Forrest.

You break down in the middle of the road and cry.

(Back in Viridian)

"Yeah, I've had my coffee and I feel great. Except now my prostate swelled up. Life sucks," The man walked away as you eyes bulge out of your skull.

I think I'll go check out that gym over there even though I have a Pikachu at level 3 that got it's ass kicked by Gary (cuz I rip off the show) and it was supposed to be a Charmander, you say to yourself.

You get closer to the door to enter it as just as you are about to turn the nob, a dark, mobster looking man exit's the building and locks up.

"Hey, go home! I'm not doing anything suspicious!" He says.

"But I wanted to fight the gym leader here. Unless he's not man enough," You say snidely.

"Hey! I AM MAN ENOUGH YOU LITTLE PUNK KID! It's just that . . . My baby Mewtwo ran away and now I have to find him before he does something stupid, like gather a whole bunch of the best Pokeman trainers and recreates the island in which he was born, and tries to wipe out all of mankind while fighting his original agent only known as Mew, the rarest Pokeman in the world cuz she's the only friggin one. Until Lugia and whatever other stupid rare pokeman comes along and ruins the whole RAREST things. I mean, I had to friggin' forge her eyebrow in order to get the friggin' DNA. That put my savings to a dwindling 10 million dollars. Now I'm practically Michael-Jackson-broke. So go home, and pretend you didn't hear any of that stuff," The man ran off. The back of his coat had a large red R on it. Not inconspicuous at all. You shrug and travel to the next town.

(Diglett's cave)

"I'm so friggin' lost!" You cry. Digletts dance around you, as if making fun of your incompetence. 


	2. Brock Rhymes with Rock

**Waking Up In A Strange Bed**

By Spectra16

A/N: I'd like to thank all of the little people that reviewed this crap of a story.

Reviews: We're not little! But we are people. . . throws soap at Spectra

A/N: Okay! Okay! Calm down!

Disclaimer: Don't own Yugimon-err. . . Pokemon.

-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Two: Brock Rhymes with Rock

Somehow, you manage to wake up from your horrible dream known only as Diglette cave. You're now on the road to Pewter City (is that right? I can't remember). The road is very short, and you magically make it to the gym. Discouraged because you got sent back to Prof. Oak's because a Diglett owned you, you avoid the gym for now and decide to go to the museum.

"50 monies please!" Calls the receptionist.

"50 monies! For what! I've already played this stupid game and it's not WORTH 50 monies to look at a friggin' fossil and a mock space ship!" You exclaimed loudly. Mother's hold their babies close to them, realizing there's a lunatic in the premises. All of them take one step away from you.

"Um, THEN DON'T GO IN!" The receptionist yells back.

"FINE! MAYBE I WON'T!" You yell and go back to the gym to defeat Brock.

"So, you've come to defeat me, have you?" Brock crosses his arms, as if he's really something else.

"YEAH! I did!" You call back!

"Fine, I choose you, Onix!" Brock chucks a poke ball at your head. You smirk evilly.

"I choose you, Abrakadabra!" You throw out your poke ball, and what do you know? Out comes Abrakadabra.

"WTF? How did you get that! You can't even control that level pokeman at your noobness? Is this some sort of glitch?" Brock asked the invisible god known as the programmers. They laugh and keep writing the game. They're prior concern at the moment is what kind of crappy script Pokemon 2000 will have.

You totally own Brock. You get the badge and Mr. I-stalk-you-because-I'm-a-hobo-and-I-live-at-every-gym congratulates you and tries to steal your cupcakes. You run off to (DUN DUN DUN!) Mt. Moon.

"I'm just strolling along! La dee daa dee daa! Fluffy bunnies are so cute! Nny is gonna vomit!" You cheerfully sing to an unknown tune that you probably made up right there on the spot. You try to avoid every patch of grass possible, but the Clefairys get to you first!

"Clefairy! Clefairy!" (We want your blood, demon child!)

"No, you can't have my blood!" You yell.

"Fine! Carry on," They say and let you continue to Mt. Moon.

Pikachu considers you lack of sanity, but he dares not question you.

Your eyes become squinty in Mt. Moon because of poor lighting. You end up putting the game down and getting glasses. You also sue the game creators for almost making you blind. After a six month trial, you go back to play Mt. Moon. You meet a few horny hitchhikers, and Team Rocket, but you manage to blow right by every single rocket grunt in the cave. I assume you live on dumb luck alone.

"Hey, where's our boss?"

"I dunno. Someone said something about him taking a nice long vacation and/or abandoning us."

"Aw. That's too bad. Not that I care or anything. I mean, I've never seen the man in my life and yet I follow him on hand and foot."

"Yeah. I feel the same way."

"Hey look! There's a young boy meddling through our Clefairy swipe! Let's get him!"

You totally waste about twenty rockets without using a single potion, and you also manage to beat some random fossil collector and even though you won, you two split the digs, causing you to have to trade someone that didn't pick the piece of crap known as . . . What was that name? Aw hell. No one cares.

You run out of the cave, following the daylight. And then you reliaze there's even more trainers that are just dying to eat you alive. You die a few times, having to go back to the beginning. After the millionth headache-I mean time, you arrive in Cerulean, and then you realize you can never go back. But it's not like you want to. There, a word of pain awaits you. Oh, and then there's Misty.

(In the Silver and Gold versions, she's in back with her girlfriend . . . And she's like . . . You ruined my date! You ! And then she beats you up with a monkey. Wow. Who the HELL would date Misty?)

You look over a small river in the city, and see a mysterious pokeman pissing and moaning about "how he's isn't real, and how he is like the moon, and how his life sucks because no one loves me wah wah wah". You shrug, and go back to beating up the five dorks, and then onto Gary again.

"My name is Gary because I'm cool and I will destroy you with my powerful toe nails!"

(You stare at him and wonder if he got it from grampa Oak.)

"You will fall to the mercy of my ass!"

(You keep starring, as if mesmerized by his incredible stupidity.)

"And then you will sing "Halleluiah it's raining men!" He shouts.

(You chew on some popcorn that appeared out of nowhere, and marvel at Gary's big hair.)

"Sometimes, when I'm all by myself, I think about my parents doing the nasty. . ."

(This is getting weird.)

"I am so cool because I have cheerleaders!"

(That's better.)

"This one time, I had a cat. His name was Bilbo, because Bilbo is a sweet hobbit. Frodo is soooo overrated. Um. . . I'll kick your ass! Go, red eyes white dragon- I mean Bulbasaur. Wait . . . Squirtle."

You choose Pikachu. (Were you expecting something else?)

Pikachu kicks Squirtle's candy ass. He gives you money and a gold terd nugget. All is right with the world. (Disclaimer: quickly I don't own Bilbo or anything related to LOTR.)


	3. Flower Power

**Waking Up In A Strange Bed**

By Spectra16 (Says "Welcome", because you know, saying "You're Welcome" is just too damn hard)

A/N: Wow. So much for updating. Damn, I suck. I'm going to reply all of your reviews because I don't give a damn if this fic gets taken off the site. I'll just put it back up. (MEH)

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon or Supertroopers.

Katie- Don'ty cry!

Alone in the Dark- Thank you! Yeah, Pink Parka Girl just knows what she's talking about, that's all. The rest of us don't understand her.

Dinolover999- OMG, thanks. I love your review. It's cute. I've been waiting a long time for someone to review that exact sentence, and I'm not kidding.

Zarkus- Thank you for the mega review! I love fics that make fun of stuff I like. I'm weird like that. I'm not kidding. If I was obsessed with like . . . Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which I'm not) or something, I'd totally read every fic that made fun of it. That's just me. Oh man, I found some awesome Harry Potter bashing stuff. I love the book series, I just can't stand Harry. He's such a whiner! Read 'Heroes Anonymous' by Scoutcraft Piratess everyone!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Three: Flower Power Is For Sunshine Rainbow

Lucky for you, you come across an Underground passage way to Celadon city, our equivalent of Mall of America. Randomly in the passage way, you find strange objects on the floor, like bikes, children, pigs, and a copy of the DVD Supertroopers. After putting these things into your infinity sized backpack abyss, you break into the sunlight, and the back roads of Celadon city.

You find that the city is corrupted with Team Rocket grunts. They aimlessly walk around, wondering what the hell they are doing there. Every time you talk to them, you get a response similar to these.

"Get the hell out of my way you squeaky little kid!"

"Move! I'm retracing my steps! I dropped by contact!"

"WTF"

"Hey, you're short."

"My boss molests Pokemon. I walked in on him and a baby Deoxys."

"Hey, go gamble away your money at the casino in town!"

So you go to this casino and find that even a ten year old kid can gamble at the slot machines. You also find coins on the ground, because old bureaucratic rich geasers throw money on the ground for shits and giggles. After wasting all of your money (and discovering that you're a gamble addict), you leave and look at the Celadon department store. There really isn't anything cool there, since it's all Pokemon pleasure related. Although, Cleafairy-demon dolls kicks ass enough. You buy evolution stones for the hell of it, and venture up to the top level. You find vending machines (It's about fuckin' time) and buy some refreshing water for those poor, parched fuzz that bitch at you for trying to go past. That's the justice system for ya'!

"My Jesus! This water kicks ass! You can go through, sqeaky little kid!" He says. You decide to waste more time snooping around confused Rocket members.

"Hey! Get the hell away from me! I'll end you!" A rocket grunt yells that shares personality and physical traits with the authoress, who may or may not be part of Team Rocket and may or may not obsess over it's leader.

Anyways, you find a secret passage way behind the building (using 'cut' of course!), just because you're sneaky. You come across a strange door and enter it. After all, trespassing in Pokemon Blue (Red, Green, Yellow, WHATEVs) is encouraged. Anyways, the first level, you meet some strange people who waste five minutes of your life. At the top of the building, the creators of the game are like, hey! There's the kid that's playing right now!

"I'm the graphics designer! I made the way you look! Hehe! Isn't Erika a **babe**rham Lincoln?"

You say, "Who the hell is Erika?" You've clearly never seen the show. She IS a babe. Misty is anything BUT a babe. We all knew that though.

After finding a random Eevee (hey, you can spell that backwards!), you use one of the stones on it. Which one will you chose?

The fire stone makes it a Flareon, which semi kicks ass. Vaporeon is for 10 year old preppy girls. Jolteon kicks anybody's ass, so you chose the Lightning stone. If you had a newer pokeman version, you COULD have another rendition of Eevee. Eevee is depressed because no one wants it for the fuzzy little runt that it really is.

Continuing, you go to the gym and meet Erika, the babe who's name is spelled just like a Mary Sue, which she is. Unfortunately, you have no fire pokemon, so it's a bitch trying to beat Erika.

"I really like you, but I have to kick your ass so I don't loose a badge and money!" Erika says politely. You frown and ignore her outburst. Right as you're about to battle her, Lt. Surge bursts through the door.

"BITCH! You forgot my gym! That's not possible! ARGH!" Lt. Surge starts doing push ups to control his anger. You feel like kicking him in the shins, but you're a little kid, and he's an ex-USSR soldier in the Cold War who was trained in the art of torture, extortion and being an all around jackass. He storms off back to his home town and cries silently to himself. The soul of Lt. Surge follows you for the rest of the game. Erika defeats you a few times before you get the hang of being beat by a soft core chick.

"Yay! You finally won, you heap of sin!" The cheerleader guy at the door of the gym shouts in celebration. You quickly walk away, because that guy is a stalker and there's no real purpose for his existence other than to creep you and any other trainer out.

After finding that you're stuck in Celadon, you go back to gamble away the rest of your money. After the locals drop you some pretty blunt hints, you finally investigate that damn poster everybody talks about. A secret door opens, and you roll your eyes. A random guy pops out and is all like, "WAZZUP? I'm Team Rocket! I'll kick your ass!"

You easily hand his ass to him on a platter and boldly walk into the door, because clearly, you can't do anything without beating this part.

(It's funny how a whole building of Rocket grunts can't just beat one kid. That just goes to show you anyone who gives an application to the Boss can get in for minimum wage, if that. I mean, sure, if Team Rocket wanted too, the people in Kanto could be overcome by them, since they're logically dumber than shit. Unfortunately, one kid from the real world can play a Game Boy and save everyone's ass with one level 25 pokemon. As fun as this game was back in the day, it's not logical, not that it was intended to be. I doubt there's any logical video game out there. Oh sorry, I'm ranting. Anyways, this Rocket Boss has troubles of his own without a whole army of grunts messing things up. The only reason why Jesse and James get lectured is because they suck THAT bad. **Read "Family Problems" by JennyRogue. BEST STORY EVER**)

Congrats. Celadon gave you a gambling addict, a level 5 Jolteon, a Supertroopers movie, and the sense that Team Rocket is a bunch of five year old push overs. After finding several items, you battle hundreds of pitiful Rocket members before you get to the Boss.

He's all like, "I remember you! I'll kick your ass, kid!"

Considering he's the gym leader to the highest gym, you'd think that WOULD'NT be an empty threat, but that's a lie. He sucks just a little less than you do. AMAZING. Giovanni runs off like a little baby to his Deoxys at home. Little do you realize that . . . He's your father! GASP! OMG! SQUEE! JK. He's probably not. You really were the product of Delia and Prof. Oak. Sick, I know. Or no, maybe you were the product of Delia/James. Diamondshipping? Rocketshipping? Kidshipping? Paranoia sets in. You wonder who your parents really are. Delia/Mr. Mime? That's not likely, but still a possibility. Delia/OC? Delia/random character from Ender's Game? Delia/Phantom of the Opera? Delia/Artemis Fowl? Delia/Anakin Skywalker? Delia/Gary? Ew. But still likely. Shit happens on factory fudge nuts (FFN).

-.-.-.-.-

Tune in next time for the awkward adventures of the S.S. Ann! Meet Mew, dweller of the sea! Walk into random people's rooms while they are doing embarrassing/private things! Meet Gary, the pimp of Pokemon! And the zombie cheerleaders! The nasally voice! READ FAMILY PROBLEMS! Best story ever, like I said. Changed my life forever. Made me laugh out loud, which only happens during good humor fics! Ash is Giovanni's son and so is Mewtwo! Awkward! Giovanni comes to parent/teacher conferences! Delia runs by Oak naked! Gio gets drunk! And can anybody say ROADTRIP!

Love and peace! Email me sometime! I need a good conversation! Keep your hand at the level of your eyes!


	4. SS Ann Stands for Love Boat

**Waking Up In A Strange Bed**

By Spectra16 (Daleks killed my parents and ate my cat.)

A/N: It's funny how 2600 songs doesn't satisfy. Chris satisfies. For hard earned thirst, chicken. I'm sorry it took me so long to wake up in a strange bed. I was having some serious inspiration issues. Although, I did finish one of my greatest works yet. If you like Artemis Fowl, read it. It's called Beautiful, Smart, Entropy and it's hilarious. So many people have been complaining about their mental stability after they read it. It definitely gets weirder as it goes on. And the end was so half-assed, it's amazing. Anyways, I recommend it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Pokemon. I think I'd cut off my arm if I did. And then sell it to Uzbekistan. And then throw a beaver at my brother. I don't know where I was going with that.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Chapter Four: S.S. Ann Stands For Love Boat

Upon Lt. Surge pushing pins into a doll that looks a lot like you, you board the S.S. Ann with a ticket he gave you and laughed manically about it. Totally creeped out, you search for your room. People walk around aimlessly in the lobby of the ship. One woman sounds really excited about finding her way back from that 'scary sailor part of the ship'. Ignoring this, you proceed to check in every room for an empty bed to sleep in.

The first room has a gentlemen in it, but unlike a gentlemen, he grabs you by the throat and threatens to rip out your entrails and shove them up your nose if you don't have a pokemon battle with him. You calmly agree and start off with Pikachu, because your undisclosed favoritism is a whorish way to sell yourself to the media.

"THUNDERSHOCK!" You yell at Pikachu, who promptly does a Thunderbeam, but you don't know the difference. The Gentlemen's Growlith dies because it's never seen a serious battle in it's life. The man starts crying, and that is definitely you cue to leave quickly.

The next room you find a naked couple in bed. You watch until they realize you're there, and then you apologize and move on.

The next room has a snoozing fat man, tightly crammed into a chair. You scrunch your nose and leave.

The next room has another gentlemen. Work out your own conclusions.

After searching every single room for an empty bed, you come across your rival, Gary (because I rip off the show). He makes some snide remarks about your sexuality and then tells you he's much to busy to battle. You let him walk away and then continue walking until your reach the captain's room. You let yourself in and find a large man hanging over a pail.

"Uuuurgh," He says. He looks green and like he's just had his entrails ripped out and shoved up his nose. You ask him if he needs anything, because you're a golden hearted little boy who's just begun his pokemon journey and knows nothing about sodomy.

"Yes, youngling. A back rub would be nice," He snickers evilly. Instead of yelling, "YOU SICK FUCK!" you agree and rub his back. He turns around, looking completely fine and says, "Good luck on your Pokemon journey!" You wonder why you didn't receive anything in return, because usually favors get you something in this stupid game. Avoiding the dirty old man, you head to explore the rest of the ship.

Unfortunately, exploring was not one of those life lessons that was taught to be dangerous in this game. You find the hull of the ship and find a whole crew of dirty old sailors, drunk as hell and they all stop and stare at you. You twitch with Pikachu and now, the reader should work out their own conclusions. Until the life lesson is learned, I will talk about Lt. Surge, the man who orchestrated this instance, because he went through it as a boy.

-.-.-.-

Americans see Lt. Surge as a hard-ass army leader who likes electric pokemon. The Japanese see him as a headstrong, son of a bitch, jerk ass, puppy kicking, fucktard from America. Lt. Surge is essentially America. He loves power and quick strength over slow and steady agility, which was the obvious message in the episode where Ash is a dumbass (oh wait, that's every episode) and Pikachu gets owned by every fan girl's favorite pokemon, Raichu.

So anyways, Lt. Surge is Japan's little joke about us dumb Americans. And quite honestly, I think it's funny too. Because it's true. But enough about the politics behind Surge. In person, he's a really nice guy . . . If you're neurotic. He's a card carrying commi that enjoys kiddy porn and licking his own balls. He wear nothing but camo and his favorite conversational topic is the slaughter of innocent Vietnamese children. What a douche! And if that isn't enough, he kicks puppies! For fun! His favorite activities are looking at himself, making out, and getting drunk. Drinking in itself doesn't bother me, but Surge acts like a freak when he's drunk. He starts reciting Dickens and acts like a British tart. I think he's an in-the-closet knitter. Upon spending a few days at his place, you come to find that his place isn't a gym, it's a psych ward. I think out of all of the gym leaders (other than Misty), he's the most irritable, self-obsessed, frightening, insane, and altogether creepiest man ever. And if you're part of his fan base, get out while you still can. Oh good. I can stop talking. That one part is over.

-.-.-.-.-.-

You hastily power-walk from the S.S. Ann and wonder what the hell you were thinking when you boarded. As you leave from the large ship on the dock, you find a tiny boat, and out of 1337 curiosity and obsession for the Pokemon game, you float around the boat in search for some secret code or something. After hours of complete boredom, you see a strange pokemon. It's pink and cute, which is unusual for a creature that maims millions of people and pokemon and has a larger fan base that Marluxia, maybe. Definitely Celebi.

You grimace and decide not to care.

-.-.-.-.-.-

A/N: I'm glad to announce that my friends Fuhrer Allie and Fullmetalfan are putting me in one of their pokemon stories. I'm their arch nemesis, a member of Team Rocket, and my goal is to stop them (???) in order to be deemed worthy by Giovanni and possibly get into his fat, orange pants. Wish me luck. It's about as likely as Jesse and James ass raping Meowth. Oh wait, that happens all the time.


End file.
